Sometimes, we want to scream at our kids. Usually this impulse comes out of frustration or another acute emotion in the moment of a temper tantrum or outburst.
But most us also know that yelling and punishing actually can damage
our children's self-esteem and their trust in us, ultimately creating
unhealthy coping mechanisms and leading to even more bad behavior in the
future.
Instead, raising children with compassion and healthy
boundaries will help them grow up into self-confident and emotionally
healthy adults, and will make your parenting experience much easier in
the process.
This article will give you insights and tools to
raise children without yelling and punishing. In the first half, I'll
offer tips that we can do ourselves as parents to feel more balanced and
less triggered into having our own outbursts; the second half includes
day-to-day tips for how to help your children themselves feel more
grounded and less prone to emotional outbursts.
1. Cultivate self-care rituals and treat yourself with kindness.
The more we take care of ourselves, the more worthy we feel of having
our needs met and our boundaries respected. When we feel tired and have
no energy, it is much harder to deal with our children's outbursts.
Plus: the better we feel about ourselves, the less we feel guilty about
making "mistakes" or "not doing things right."
So, in addition
to making sure to find self-care rituals such as meditation, yoga,
exercising (and/or whatever else works!), talk to yourself as you would
talk to a child, not as a harsh critic. Acknowledge your own feelings,
how stupid or irrational they might seem to you. If you accept and love
them, they will be released instead of staying stuck.
2. Honor your own boundaries.
If our children cross our boundaries too far, or too frequently, it's
often because we let them. But we will eventually lose our patience, so
remember that. I totally understand: we avoid saying "no" sometimes
because we want to avoid a tantrum, or we want to be "the good guy."
However, as parents, affirming healthy boundaries is our job. Loving our
children doesn't mean that we have to give them what they want all the
time. And sticking to your guns will ultimately prevent tantrums in the
future.
3. Have age-appropriate expectations.
When we take our children to public places, we simply cannot expect
them to behave like adults. A young child won't sit still for an hour in
a restaurant like a grown adult.
While it's great to want to go
out with our children, we must also remember that they are allowed to
have their own experience. So we must commit to trying our best not to
feel embarrassed, offended or guilty about their reactions. When we let
go of these unrealistic expectations, we give ourselves freedom to have a
much more enjoyable experience ourselves.
4. Don't project your fears.
When we worry about our children's misbehavior and fear that they might
be aggressive in a given context, our children will pick up on this
energy, and will likely stick those labels on themselves. If a child
starts to think that he/she is "bad," that often leads to more
misbehavior.
5. Heal your own inner child.
Children can trigger unresolved emotions in us, causing us to feel hurt
and frustrated, perhaps about our own childhood experiences or current
difficulties elsewhere in our lives. Our children can also reflect those
unresolved feelings when they pick up on them. So embrace the parts of
you that are still hurting. Acknowledge and accept your own feelings
from or about your past without judgment and give that child in you all
the love and validation it never got, or that it currently needs.
6. Create an anchor.
During a moment in which you feel calm and balanced, choose a physical
stimulus like pressing your thumb and middle finger together. Recognize
this as an "anchor," holding the position for a minute or so before
releasing. You have now made a connection between that anchor and the
feeling of calm and balance. Use this anchor by pressing it again when
you feel upset or when your child has an outburst to trigger those
feelings of calmness and balance to come up again.
7. Release guilt.
Guilt and shame are the lowest vibrational emotions a human can
experience. I think of guilt and shame as existing in the emotional
place farthest away from love, balance and compassion. Guilt not only
keeps us from feeling self-compassion, but often leads to
crossing boundaries to "make up" for whatever we think we did wrong.
Remember that parenting is a process. At every moment, you're doing the
best you can and are always learning and improving.
8. Make sure to spend quality time together.
Attention is a basic need for children to survive. When our children
have emotional outbursts, it's often a sign of their desire to show us
they are trying to define themselves, develop their individuality — and
get attention.
Many times an emotional outburst is actually a
reflection of a child experiencing more freedom than he/she can handle.
They want to feel safe by our loving guidance in the form of healthy
boundaries. The most beautiful way to give this to our children is in
special, quality moments when we are not distracted and 100% present.
Children don't need us to be physically present all the time. But
quality time is invaluable for our children. Feeling consistently loved and cared for will diminish their need to act out.
9. Allow time for free and uninterrupted exploration.
When our children's needs for safety and attention are met, they will
also undoubtedly express a desire to get out and explore the world.
Exploration helps them observe new things in their surroundings, get to
know their bodies and stay connected to their innate curiosity.
Self-guided exploration will improve their attention span and let them
express creativity and joy.
The amount of physical space we let
our children play in, the amount of time and the physical distance from
us depends on our child's age and needs and grows over the years. During
these moments of free play, we can stay present with our children. But
make sure not to interrupt them. Just observe and enjoy witnessing their
growth.
10. Make your child feel understood.
No
matter how "childish" our child's desire or emotion might seem to us in a
given moment, it's perfectly valid for him or her to feel this way, no
matter what it is, really. We don't have to comply with their "demands,"
but we can still acknowledge what they're feeling: "I see
you're very upset, you really liked coloring your face and you're angry
that I took your pencils away," or, "I understand you like to only eat
chocolate all day. I'd love that too. But now it's time for some veggies
to keep our bodies healthy." They might still resist, after all they
are children, but at least they'll feel seen and understood and usually
this helps decrease the intensity of the emotional outburst.
11. Allow time to adjust to a change in activity.
Sudden changes can trigger our children into resistance. Especially
with sensitive children, it works really well if we give them time to
adjust to a coming change. Take bed time, for example: give your child a
few "heads up" notices that bed time is nearing. "You can play for
another 10 minutes, and then we're going to bed," is one I use. Repeat
that when there's five minutes and one minute left.
12. Respect your child as a whole person.
Our children might live in tiny bodies, just learning how to deal with
everything that makes us human while still needing us for their basic
survival. But they are also whole persons with very capable and knowing
souls that have multiple levels of understanding. So talk respectfully
to your child as if you would to an adult: use your normal voice and
refer to yourself as "I" instead of "mommy."
13. Honor the integrity of your child's body.
Always tell your child when you're going to pick him/her up or touch
him/her. You can start doing this even when they are babies: "I am going
to pick you up now. One, two, three, there you go." Children will be
less startled if they know what's coming.
When playing with
children, honor their "no," if they want to stop. Horse playing or other
physical activity is a very good time for your child to learn that when
he/she says "stop" (touching me) or "no," the other person respects
their choice. Boundaries are important for children, too. This won't
guarantee that every person will listen but children with this healthy
mindset about their body are much less prone to become a victim of abuse
or other inappropriate dynamics.
14. Ask for help.
Don't be ashamed if you feel things are getting too much for you. Ask
for help. Tell your partner when you're having a hard time, find a
babysitter or parenting counselor, seek support from other parents,
learn new ways of parenting that will make it more easy and enjoyable
for you. You are never alone. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness: it is a brave thing to do.
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